MARITAL GROWTH AND SATISFACTION*

Aren’t most marriages “growing” marriages?

Unfortunately not. The divorce statistics indicate that many marriages have trouble growing. Most marriages last an average of only six years. And divorces are just the tip of the iceberg. Many couples with problem marriages stay married.

 

Using your example of the plant, you said that water, sunlight and nutrients are essential for growth. What’s essential for growth as a couple?

Growth in marriage involves at least four essential ingredients: Caring, communication, companionship and commitment.

Caring requires that you take time to consider your partner’s needs and do little things to show appreciation. Caring is love and it includes respect and forgiveness.

Communication means sharing the good feelings you have about each other. But it also means being open about subjects you don’t agree on. It means trying to find new ways to resolve each difference and remembering that sometimes you simply have to “agree to disagree.”

Companionship means doing things together that you both enjoy. It also means showing interest and encouraging each other in activities you like to do alone. You become better for each other when you’re able to do things both alone and together.

Commitment means making your relationship a top priority. It means seeing your partner as a gift from God and not taking your partner for granted. It means showing your partner you’re concerned about his or her feelings and welfare as much as your own.

 

How can I know if my marriage is growing? Can we measure that kind of growth?


Although there are many ways to measure growth, the simplest is to ask yourself “How satisfied am I with our relationship?” High levels of satisfaction mean things are going well for you and that you’re enjoying the experiences of growing together as a couple.

It’s important to realize, however, that one person can be happier with the relationship than the other. Since each person has his or her own feelings about the marriage, there can, in fact, be “his marriage” and “her marriage.” These two scales can help you evaluate your relationship


* How satisfied are you with your marriage? (Circle one)
 

Generally Unhappy

Somewhat Unhappy

Somewhat Happy

Very Happy

Extremely Happy

* How satisfied do you think your partner is with your marriage? (Circle one)

You might ask your partner to also mark these scales. After you’ve both completed them, you could discuss these three questions:

• How accurately did you guess each other’s responses?

• How much did you and your partner agree with each other?

• What makes you feel good about your marriage?
  
  
  

What if our marriage doesn’t seem to be growing?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. The truth is … all marriages have got plenty of room to grow. And if growth seems difficult in your marriage, you’re not alone.

The first step is to share your feelings with your partner. Talk about the real or potential problems you see in your marriage. Your partner may not know about your concern or even notice the problems you perceive.

Second, keep on learning about marriage. Read good books on marriage. Discuss them. Go to marriage seminars. Pick up some new skills and polish your old ones. And you’ll get plenty of chances to do all of that on the CMEC.

If problems persist, it would be useful for you and your partner to seek marriage counseling. It’s always better to seek help before minor differences become more serious problems.

You see … marriage problems can be much like the rotting roots of a plant. Unless you go to the root, where the problem is, it will get worse. Problems that continue to develop will slowly destroy your marriage. Too often, couples wait until their problems are so severe that there’s little they do can save the marriage.

 

So you want to have a “growing marriage?” How do you make that happen?

You have to talk with your partner. Talk about the little things and the big things, the things you like and the things you don’t like. Talk about what you’d like to change and how you can make those changes. Talk about your feelings toward each other and everything going on in your lives. This needs to happen on a day-to-day basis.

Too often, we assume we know what the other person thinks and feels without asking … or really listening to what they’re telling us. And we assume our partner should somehow know our thoughts and feelings, even when we don’t express them. That simply doesn’t work.

You’ve got to talk. And some things need to be discussed away from other distractions. That’s why the CMEC environment is so good for so many couples.

Whether you do it on a cruise, go out for supper, or take a walk, you need to get away from all the distractions so you can have some real quality communication time. In fact, you should set aside some time every week to share your feelings about each other and your marriage.

 

I suspect that talking about problems would make a lot of people uncomfortable.

You’re right. Many people do feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings. And many couples get stuck on superficial conversation … talking about the weather, the traffic, the programs on TV, or their schedules for the day.

It takes some effort to go deeper. But a good relationship is built on more than chatting, doing things together, or focusing most of your energies on the kids or your jobs. A good relationship is built when you learn how to communicate such things as your joys, hopes, fears and spiritual convictions.

If you don’t know how to do that, don’t worry. The CMEC will give you several communication tools to deepen and strengthen your relationship. They’re simple tools … that are actually fun to use … and they work right off the bat.

 

Does a marriage ever get “as good as it’s going to get?”

Growth is always possible. Even good marriages can become better and more satisfying … IF you keep working at it. Remember the plant? You’ve got to keep on feeding that plant. And the same goes for your marriage.

It takes commitment. And commitment is more than just staying with your spouse. It means you’re committed to the growth of your marriage. And that’s what will happen when you participate in the CMEC.

 

Any final words of wisdom about having a “growing marriage?”

Not only is it important to get your marriage off to a good start, but it’s important to continue giving your relationship top priority … so it keeps on growing. And there’s no better way to do that than attend marriage enrichment programs, read good marriage, and intentionally talk about your relationship with your spouse.

Marriage is one of your most precious gifts; so don’t forget to nurture your marriage. And you may want to do that by attending the next CMEC (Christian Marriage Enrichment Cruise).