TEST YOUR MARRIAGE I.Q.

You can get tons of free marital advice from friends and family, but it can cost you dearly … if it’s bad advice … and if you take it to heart. It could literally wreck your marriage.

Sure, the advice may be well intentioned, but it may still be wrong. So you’ve got to separate the marriage myths from the marriage truths.

One way to do that is to consider the source of the advice. Some people have a bad attitude towards the opposite sex because of some painful experiences they’ve had in the past. And some single friends may offer advice tinged with jealousy and bitterness.

The second way to sort through the marriage myths and marriage truths is to consult the research. There have been thousands of studies on marriage over the last several decades. And it’s become very clear what works and doesn’t work in a marriage. It’s no longer a mystery.

So let’s test out your Marriage I.Q. Go through the following 10 statements and circle True or False. Then read what the research has to say about the statement, and find the correct answer at the end of each section.

Love is all you need. (True or False?)

1. Feelings of love wear pretty thin over time if other marriage building elements aren’t present.
2. In addition to love, you need such things as compatibility, constructive conflict resolution skills, agreement on how to spend money, a willingness to share responsibility, maturity, and an ability to express your feelings.
   
   Answer: False

A baby will bring you closer together. (True or False?)

1. The birth of a baby can tear a couple apart if the marriage doesn’t have a solid foundation.
2. After all, a baby is a major life stressor that requires more of an adjustment than anything else the couple will face.
   
   Answer: It all depends on the overall quality and strength of the relationship before the baby is born.

You can change your partner. (True or False?)

1. You cannot change someone into something he doesn’t want to be. A person has to want to change, and no amount of “working on him” will make a difference.
2. Forcing change on your partner only leads to frustration and anger, which accomplishes nothing. It can actually destroy a marriage. So you’d better like him/her the way he is or don’t get married.
   
   Answer: False

Be completely honest with your mate. (True or False?)

1. Of course you’ve got to be honest with your partner. You’ve got to be able to trust whatever he or she says.
2. b. However, you’ve got to be careful that your so-called “total honesty” is coupled with such skills as tact and timing.
3. You cannot, in the holy name of “honesty,” point out all of your partner’s flaws. And you cannot defend such destructive negativity by saying, “I’m just being honest.”
   
   Answer: True, if your honesty is communicated with love and respect for your spouse.

Keep the peace at all costs. (True or False?)

1. Keeping the peace is one of the best ways to kill a marriage because people begin to stuff their feelings, harbor resentments, and communicate in an indirect or dishonest way.
2. By contrast, conflict is one of the ways your differences can be brought to the surface and worked out.
3. Indeed, if you don’t deal with your differences, you and your partner will grow further and further apart … until you become nothing more than two strangers living under the same roof.
   
   Answer: False

If your spouse loves you, he/she will know what you want and need. (True or False?)

1. No one can read your mind … and that includes your spouse. So you have to say what you want and express how you feel … if you want your partner to know those things.
2. In fact, it’s terribly unfair to say such things as, “If you really loved me … you’d know what I need … or … you’d know how I feel.”
   
   Answer: False

You should keep your independence. (True or False?)

1. Occasional dependency is an important element in a marriage. So it’s okay to lean on each other once in a while … because that’s what marriage is all about … so-called interdependence.
2. If you maintain too much independence, your mate is left feeling unneeded, unwanted, unimportant, and distrusted. If you want to be totally independent, don’t’ get married.
   
   Answer: False

Be prepared for sex to get boring. (True or False?)

1. There’s always the danger this can happen, but it’s avoidable. It takes a conscious effort from both spouses to see that it doesn’t happen.
2. When you notice the sparks aren’t flying anymore, don’t sit around hoping the sexual doldrums will go away. Call attention to the problem, talk about it, and take action. Find out what your spouse needs and add some variety to your sex life. If none of that works, get professional help.
   
   Answer: False, as long as you talk about it and work on it.

An affair can breathe new life into your marriage. (True or False?)

1. Having an affair will do nothing to resolve the problems in a dull or troubled marriage. The solution will not come from the outside.
2. Besides that, an affair destroys trust, and you may end up with a nasty, complicated, destructive triangle on your hands.
   
   Answer: False

You should live together before you get married … to see if you’re right for each other. (True or False?)

1. There is no evidence whatsoever that indicates living together … before marriage … improves the chances of a successful relationship.
2. In fact, the percentage of people getting divorced who lived together … before marriage … is just as high as those who did not live together.
3. People who “live together” tend to develop an attitude that the arrangement is temporary … even though they may live together for years. That attitude is often carried over when they do get married, and at the first sign of trouble they walk out.
   
   Answer: False